You Can Pick Your Nose…
…but you can't pick your family. Unless they're your in-laws. And if that were the only criteria involved, I chose poorly. Lisa and I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in her home town with her father's side of the family followed by her mother's side of the family.
Father In Law's Side
Her uncle (we'll call him Carl like my brother since he's also the third of four children and he's also the one that is mentally "off") wanted desperately to have Christmas Eve at his one bedroom house, as long as someone else agreed to bring some turkey, ham, rolls, cheesecake, deviled eggs, green bean casserole, fruit salad, peas, stuffing, etc. In his defense I think he provided a couple of bags of chips, two kinds of store bought dip, and some lovely cheese cubes.
The festivities started at 2pm. His one bedroom pad seemed plenty big for the 16 people that attended. I know I had more than ample room to partake of that magnificent spread while balancing my Styrofoam prison tray on my lap as I perched atop a folding chair in the living room.
Unfortunately after lunch we had to open presents, which is when everyone really spread out. It was all assholes and elbows in there. I think I chipped a tooth. This coupled with listening to my wife's first cousin once removed cry his five year old eyes out because his drinking cup didn't have his name on it in black marker (while everyone else's did) was almost too much to take.
Luckily, I really scored the gifts. We'll skip the good and the mediocre. The bad: a men's manicure set, a bag of cookies made with frozen cookie dough left over from some school fund raising drive, and one snub.
Intermission
We finished off the night at my wife's aunt house where my Christmas present was more material for the blog. My wife's aunt has a brother. We'll call him Carl as well, since he's the third of four children and he's also the one in the family that is mentally "off"–spotting a trend here? Stop at two kids, people.
Anyway, Carl comes to visit every now and then. Two years ago during Christmas he had to go to the hospital for a self described case of exhaustion that led to him being diagnosed with a raging case of the crazies. He's also a diabetic. The last time he came to visit he left his crazy medicine and his insulin at home then promptly drank three gallons of "sweet tea." The "sweet" in sweet tea comes from sugar in case you didn't know. Sugar is kryptonite to diabetics. Trip to the hospital. That's the same visit he was using the aunt's hot tub as a replacement for bathing.
Well, this trip he "forgot" both of his medicines again. That night he was whining about needing some prune juice because he apparently couldn't remember the last time he had a bowel movement. After that he just alternated between laying in his room and walking about the house moaning. The next day he decided to load up his coffee with sugar. When the aunt pointed out that he shouldn't do that, he just said, "I don't care." Trip to the hospital.
Mother In Law's Side
Lisa's cousin insisted on having Christmas day lunch at 1pm, which is earlier than normal by about two hours. After many delays we finally sat down to eat at 3:30pm.
My wife's uncle (whose wife died a little over a year ago) dropped off the grandmother and his son (who has cerebral palsy) at the the house and promptly left. The buzz was that he's uncomfortable with these family gatherings since his wife died, but I don't remember him ever liking these gatherings.
I sat at lunch with the cousin with cerebral palsy while he repeatedly insisted that he was perfectly capable of opening his own mixed martial arts grappling gym (despite having no training and, um, cerebral palsy along with having had around eight brain surgeries). I'm not one to let my fellow man delude himself, so I pointed out that there was no way in hell this was going to happen. During the room-wide awkward silence that followed I explained that while no one else would tell him this, he could count on me to deliver an icy slap of reality whenever he needed it. I consider it part of my Christmas present to him. He's a very nice kid, but he has a lot of illusions and delusions that have been fostered by those around him for far too long.
Later we found out that a different cousin of my wife's was about to end her marriage. Details of the breakup are sketchy but may involve some sort of failed attempt at an "open" marriage. My wife's grandmother then informed us that the cousin "got her labia pierced." I'll just file that away in case it should ever prove useful.
By this time everyone began to leave, stranding the grandmother and MMA-boy. My wife and I were the only semi-responsible people left so we took them home. When we arrived we found the uncle anxiously waiting for us so he could review both his and the grandmother's wills. After we covered that he dug out an old video tape from six years ago taken by him and his now deceased wife. After 15 excruciating minutes of trying to figure out the inputs on the television, he finally tried another TV and got it working. An hour into watching footage of a ranch in west Texas (complete with video tours of the cabin and deer blinds) I finally gnawed off my own leg and escaped.
Epilogue
- If you don't want me to make fun of your one bedroom house, don't invite me and 14 other people over for Christmas.
- You, your spouse, and your kid count as three gifts. My wife and I count as two. You owe me another present you cheap motherfucker.
- Mental illness is a disease, blah blah blah. It's a disease that just so happens to be comedy gold. Thanks crazy people.
- I can't imagine having a child with cerebral palsy or losing my wife. However, my wife's uncle actually has a more morbid sense of humor than me, so on some level I think he'd appreciate this.
- If you pierce your clit, please ask me if I want to see it (I might), but don't let your grandmother tell me about it first–it kills the mood.
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