The Hobbit…er The Pancreas
Before you enjoyed the Lord of the Rings you could have read the Hobbit. You didn't have to, but it probably make LOTR a bit more enjoyable. I give you The Pancreas.
What Has Gone On Before
In April of 2009 (approximately one year ago) my dad thought he had food poisoning. I know it's hard to believe given the high quality cuisine to which he typically restricts himself. After a few days the symptoms never went away. He begrudgingly went to the doctor and was advised that it was his gall bladder and that it should be removed. They scheduled surgery and removed the gall bladder. The symptoms still didn't go away. He was then checked into the hospital and put on IV antibiotics. He was discharged after a week. After he was home he found that the symptoms were back. After yet another trip to the doctor he found out that he had an infection in his pancreas. He then underwent surgery to have the infected area "scraped" away. He came out of surgery in pretty bad shape and spent 15 days in ICU completely doped out of his gourd. He still doesn't remember anything from that period. After ICU he went into a rehabilitation facility for month. After that he finally went home. The basic before and after is something like this:
During this whole time I sent my wife, Lisa, down to San Antonio to help my mom out while all of this was going on. I came down on the weekends as work allowed, calling frequently (because, as my mother will tell you, I'm a very good boy). For a while there was genuine concern that my dad might not make it. Luckily he did but I don't think he's been the same since this incident. He forgets more than he used to, hasn't gained back the weight, is still fairly unsteady on his feet, and passes the most toxic gas I have ever smelt in quantities far in excess of what humans were meant to pass.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Airport
Fast forward to December of 2009 when Lisa and I were finally going on a much needed vacation. We were going on a one week Caribbean cruise aboard Disney Cruise Lines followed by one week at the fabulous Walt Disney World Resort. This is our standard vacation because we lack imagination and Lisa has some bizarre fetishes involving the costumed characters.
Before we could even get to the vacation part of the vacation we had to have my parents drive us to the airport. My dad was the wheel man for this now infamous journey. To the dialog:
Me: Can we just take 410 to the airport? It's much more direct than the other way you like to go.
Dad: What's that?
Mom: THEY WANT TO TAKE 410 TO THE AIRPORT.
Dad: What's 410?
Mom: THE ROAD. 410. TO THE AIRPORT.
Dad: We're going to the airport?
Me: Yeah. Can you just go 410? It's a lot quicker.
Dad: Which way is 410?
Mom: Go to the right.
Me: To the right.
He then turns left which is the way he likes to go.
Mom: YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!
Dad: What? Which way am I supposed to go?
Me: To 410. The right.
Mom: THEY WANT TO GO VIA 410. THEY SAY IT'S EASIER.
Dad: What's 410?
He then turns into one of the side streets, loops around, and comes out onto the street we were just on. He then turns left again instead of right.
Mom: YOU'RE STILL GOING THE WRONG WAY!
Dad: Well why don't you tell me which damn way you want to go, Virginia.
Me: Forget it. Take us back to the house and I'll take a fucking cab.
Dad: What?
Mom: THEY WANT TO GO 410! IT'S EASIER!
Me: If you can't find the fucking airport after living here for 50 years I'd rather just take a fucking cab to the airport.
Dad: Hey! Watch the language.
At this point he starts driving faster and more aggressively. He takes the next turn at a pretty unsafe speed. I genuinely want to take a fucking cab to the fucking airport (profanity required).
Lisa: Um, that's a cop behind you by the way.
Dad: What?
Mom: SLOW DOWN! THE POLICE ARE BEHIND YOU!
Dad: Which way now?
Me: There's the house. Just pull in there and I'll take a goddamn cab to the goddamn airport.
Lisa: Just go whichever way you know how to get to the airport.
Dad: What?
Mom: GO STRAIGHT! THAT'LL GET US TO 410. IT'S EASIER.
We finally get to the airport and yes it was via 410. It didn't feel any easier for some reason. The wife and I had a lovely adventure in many far away lands and we may have even found a magic ring that turns the wearer invisible. I honestly don't remember. The End…..?
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