One Bad Random

I overheard a co-worker talking about how he was going to get a vasectomy during his lunch hour. As an aside, there really is a Dr. Dick Chopp in Austin. Also, the co-worker got it done for just a $20 copay.

I have yet another co-worker, this one a Chinese lady that can be seen here in her natural "talking on the phone" pose:

Anyway, she informed me that many women in China get that done after pregnancy. I told her I thought she was mistaken but that according to what I've read online, "many women in Thailand get vasectomies." She didn't seem to get it so we launched into a 5 minute "who's on first" style routine.

Going Green

I decided a few weeks ago to visit my parents since it had been a while. We called the day before and reminded them to turn on the air conditioner. Even though we live in Texas and the weather had been in the high 90s to low 100s, they had decided that they weren't going to run the air conditioner. I could understand this if money was particularly tight, but it isn't. They still go out to eat a couple of times a day. It turns out that my mom was mad that the electric rates had gone up. But that still wasn't why she wasn't running the air conditioner. No, it was because they raised the electricity rates on her church. So, in protest, she was partially boycotting the electric company by turning off her air conditioner and living in extreme discomfort. At night they take turns sitting in the bathtub to cool off. Worse yet, they turn off the lights because all of the windows are open and they don't want everyone to see them naked. So, you've got two 70 year olds getting in and out of the bathtub in the dark. I'm sure the utility company will cave to their "demands" any day now.

These Computers Keep Breaking

As soon as we arrive, I find out that both of their computers have something wrong with them. My dad hit the phone line with the weed eater. That knocked out the DSL. When the phone people came out to fix it they "did something on one of the computers." That took care of that one. The other computer "has problems if you leave it alone and don't bring it down completely." Yeah. Next:

Mom: Your cousin gave us one of those fax copiers things.
Me: A printer/fax/scanner/copier in one?
Mom: I think so. But one of them doesn't work. If you get it working I want to give it to Carl for faxes.
Me: Does he get a lot of faxes?
Dad: NO, HE AIN'T GOT A FAX MACHINE.
Mom: Well, no. But with this he could.
Me: Then it sounds like I won't be able to get it working.
Mom: Oh, and our old scanner stopped working. It won't light up any more.
Dad: TRIED TO GET ONE OF THEM BULBS BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THEM.
Mom: We bought a new one but it doesn't have the thing for this computer but they said you could get it on the internet.
Me: Like buy it on the internet?
Dad: NO, YOU CAN GET IT ON THE INTERNET.
Me: Download it?
Mom: Maybe.
Dad: YEAH. DOWNLOAD IT.
Me: Why not just wait until I came and have me pick a scanner out for you?
Mom: Oh, we don't want to bother you with that.
Me: That plan might not be working out.

The computer that the phone guy messed with turns out to be really easy to fix. It's just that the dial up networking keeps popping up. Done and done. One computer in one night seems good enough for me so I'm done with working on computers for the day.

Next, I try to figure out why my parents won't play the Wii I bought for them. I'm always hearing these stories about old people loving Wiis. My hope was that they'd be playing the living shit out of it and I could buy them Wii fit to further whip them into shape. Unfortunately, they're still playing the SNES. I can't pry them off of that piece of shit. I gave them an N64, a Playstation 2, and a Wii. Nope. They love that fucking SNES. I decide that I at least am going to play the damn thing. After turning it on I notice that the picture on the television isn't all that great. In the process of trying to fix it I get shocked half a dozen times. Since I no longer have feeling in my index finger I decide I may as well go to bed.

Los Barrios

As usual, by the time Lisa and I wake up on Saturday my parents immediately begin hounding us about where we want to go eat lunch/breakfast. I had seen a place called Los Barrios on the Food Network show Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Lisa and I had been wanting to try their famous puffy tacos so we pulled up a map and printed it out.

The car ride over is the typical white knuckle affair of my dad alternating between riding the ass of the car in front of him, trying to match the exact speed of other cars trying to merge into his lane, and second guessing the directions I got from Google Maps. Eventually we make it there and have a pretty good lunch. The puffy tacos are okay. I don't think I'd get them again but my dad seemed to be extremely impressed with their quesadillas. The parents sounded like they would go back so in all likelihood we will, since it's so hard to find places they don't bitch about (family trait).

At the end of the meal my wife tries to pay and my dad is very insistent that he will be paying for the meal. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and on the way tell the waiter to just put it on my credit card. I get back to the table quite pleased with myself. When my parents find out what I've done the drama beings. "What did you do!?" my mother exclaims. "Goddammit, why did you do that," my dad asks. The whole thing last several minutes and is just so darn precious.

After getting back to the house I try and figure out what is wrong with the other computer. It seems to lock up if you let it idle too long. I finally figure out it's the fact that the screen saver is activating. After installing Windows updates and upgrading the graphics driver I successfully change the expected up time of the computer from 30 minutes to roughly 30 seconds. That's right. It now blue screens immediately on boot up if I'm not in safe mode. A number of video artifacts on the screen lead me to believe it's either a problem with the RAM (which is shared by the graphics card) or the graphics card itself. I download and run memtest to rule out the memory. I figure the next day I'll just run to Best Buy and get a PCI (it only has an old fashioned PCI expansion slot) graphics card.

Adventures at Denny's

Meanwhile it's already time for dinner somehow. I'm still kind of full from lunch. My parents ask us where we want to go. After a lot of exchanges in the form of "anywhere is fine", we settle on the lowest common denominator of all restaurants–Denny's.

The whole evening is action packed. First, I find out that Carl now has his own house. My wife and I both express amazement at this fact. After much poking and prodding it comes out that my parents bought the house for him and he is somehow maybe going to someday pay for it or something. But not only does he have a house, his crazy girlfriend from Arizona is living in the house even though he doesn't want her to. She's called the cops on him a couple of times. One of those times she called the cops on him she actually got arrested because of an outstanding warrant. Brilliant!

She was bailed out by some ex of hers that came to get her from Arizona. For some reason she won't leave with the ex. The cops supposedly tell Carl that he can't throw her out even though he "owns" the house and they aren't married. This is the same line of bullshit that I heard about Andy and his crazy wife, though at least they were married. I again insist that this is not the law and that they should probably have Carl get a lawyer and have her thrown out. And again my advice is ignored.

During dinner I'm also informed that the wife of my other brother, Brian, is now allowed at my dad's funeral. Odd dinner conversation to be sure. First, I'm not sure when it became my responsibility to fight off the angry mob of people clamoring to get into my dad's funeral. Rest assured it's a job responsibility I won't take all that seriously. Next, I didn't know he had a list of people that weren't allowed or that I was supposed to be keeping up with it. Since I don't particularly give a shit, I decide to just drop it.

"Now, when we die the remainder of that house is supposed to come out of Carl's share," my dad explains. I say I don't really want to deal with it and that Brian is more than welcome to sort it all out. "Brian won't talk to Carl," my mom says. I ask why and my dad loudly says, "Because Carl called Brian's wife a nigger."

As has happened so many times in my life (because of incidents just like this), I am very suddenly acutely aware of the number of black people in the vicinity. I count five, one of them our waiter and of course our food hasn't arrived yet. Shit. I briefly ponder how I can subtly communicate with our waiter that, while I'm perfectly fine with him dipping his balls in my parents' food, I don't really consider myself to be "with them." I don't get the opportunity and manage to gain comfort by convincing myself that 1) nobody heard it, 2) black men's balls probably aren't poisonous (my dad would probably disagree), and 3) despite my parents' best efforts I somehow turned out okay. This is where I'm supposed to talk about how many black friends I have. We'll skip over that and just move on.

Movie Night

After we make it home my parents decide they'd like to watch a DVD that Lisa had brought with her. My parents hadn't yet seen Ratatouille and it seems like the kind of movie they'd find "cute." I hear my mom say from the other room, "Well, Robert will have to fix the DVD player first. It doesn't play." Great.

I begin trying to untangle the mess of cables in their entertainment center. They've still got the satellite receiver in the mix even though they no longer use it. It's a real satellite dish by the way, not a DishTV. They've had it around 20 years because my mom got mad at the cable company and decided to boycott them. Sound familiar?

While I'm trying to figure out how to get their DVD player playing to the TV they both sit there asking me what I'm doing, which is a big help. Apparently the VCR, DVD player, and satellite haven't been used in a few years so they're not sure how they were set up or even if they ever really worked. And despite the fact that old people are blind, they all keep their houses as dark as possible which makes figuring out their wiring setup an exercise in frustration. When I try to turn on the light on the ceiling fan I get shocked again. My index finger is in a constant state of tingliness.

While trying to rewire stuff one of the coaxial cable's ends comes right off. That could be a problem. I ask my mom if she has another cable. "That bag has some stuff in it." I look in the bag and find two phone cords, a wall jack for a phone, and a power supply to some unknown device. She continues to look and screams back, "I found one but it's one like what you had." I finally give up and plug the DVD player directly into the RCA jack auxiliary inputs on the front of the TV. We start the movie.

Before the opening credits finish rolling my dad is out of his seat and headed toward the kitchen. He's going to take his medicine, find something to eat, and "go from there." Of course he couldn't do this during the 20 minutes I spent trying to fix their AV setup. No, he wanted to constantly ask me what I was doing. I pause the movie for several minutes and my mom finally says to go ahead and play it. She says "he can just listen to it from the other room." Of course, he's mostly deaf so I don't think that'll be an option. I've had enough and wander back to the bedroom jot down some notes for this blog post.

Dude, You're Getting a Dell

The next morning, Sunday, we head to Best Buy to find that the only PCI graphics card they have in stock is $135. That just seems ridiculous. My wife says, "Fuck it. Just buy them a new computer." We look at several options. We should be able to get them a whole new machine, sans monitor, for about $400. Of course both the lowest priced models (an HP and a Dell) are out of stock. We finally settle on a $500 Dell, buy it, and head out. I'm paying some for convenience but at this point I don't really care.

When we get to the car my mom asks me if I bought a whole computer. If so she'll pay for it, etc. I tell her it's a graphics card–they're bigger than she thinks and they're very wasteful on the packaging. I'm pretty sure she didn't believe it. We get back to the house and I have the new computer up and running in about 15 minutes. Incidentally, Vista is not nearly as bad as you constantly hear. I will remain a Linux person, but I just thought I'd let you know.

I tell my mom that she has a new computer and that it's an early Christmas present. She insists she should pay for it so I say, "Fine. I want your SNES and a promise that you won't buy another one." She actually refuses! She won't trade me a game console from 4 versions past that would cost $15 today for a $500 computer. Plus, you can get some of the SNES, N64, and GameCube games for the virtual console on the Wii. Mark my words, they will play that fucking Wii.

Lisa and I load up the car (including my new old computer with a non-working graphics card), say our goodbyes, and head out. Another family visit is in the books.

Since I enjoy The Linux Action Show! so much, I couldn't help but listen to the same guys (plus another) in their new/old podcast CastaBlasta. In Season 1, Episode 3 the guys mention that in the new Battlestar Gallactica the overuse of the pseudo swear word "frack" is distracting. I can't agree more. It reminded me of one of my favorite Robot Chicken clips (it's just at the beginning) where the actual actors take the "frack" nonsense to its next level.

I'd mention this on the CastaBlasta site but they have comments turned off. That's too bad.

The Return of Carl

At the end of January, Lisa and I decided to take another vacation to Disney World. The plan was to spend a week out there with a friend of hers from the Boston area and her English boyfriend. We usually drive down to the parents' house the night before and fly out on a Saturday. For the second time in a row I thought it would be cool to drive down on a Thursday, work remotely on Friday, and fly out on Saturday. It makes the whole trip a little easier on me, the wife, and the dogs.

We got in Thursday night and my mother lets it slip that my train wreck of a brother, Carl, is supposed to arrive shortly after we leave for vacation. While talking to my dad she mentions that she's not sure if Carl is still coming on the 1st. This is all news to me. I ask, "So, Carl is coming on the 1st?" She goes into lie overdrive and says she doesn't know and pretends that this whole things is all very short notice to her.

Carl was last known to be in Arizona with his crazy girlfriend, panning for topaz or some such. The last I heard he would never be back and wouldn't be welcomed if he tried to return. I finally find out that Carl is planning on moving back to Texas without his woman. He's also planning on bringing his big dog with him. This disturbs the wife and I a bit as we have three very small dogs and I'm sure that Carl's dog won't be the best behaved of beasts.

I again emphasize that I'm not happy about this whole Carl situation. My mom says he can put his dog in the garage while my dad screams, "You think your mother doesn't know what's going on!? Why do you have such a problem with Carl?" That's probably a good point. It's not like he has a history of being a dumb ass…

Carl decided to move back to Texas after a visit over Christmas. He Greyhounded his way in, spent some time fishing at the coast, and then headed back. When he got back, he got stuck at some bus stop, called his girlfriend to pick him and was met with her laughter and general refusal to come get him. That's when he decided to come back home and leech off the parents more directly. Here's a picture of one of his fishing trophies from Christmas:

That's a handsome man. Of course, my parents show me this as a print out since they insist on printing everything (occasionally they rescan these pictures for some reason). The picture looks like shit, probably due to the large quantities of discount refurbished ink they buy, despite my insistence that that crap is ruining their print quality.

Why not write a book?

My mom then drops the bomb that she's thinking of writing a book. As background, my parents manage several rental properties that they've acquired over the years. They rent to disreputable poor people that like to destroy rental properties, as nearly as I can tell. The idea of the book is very unclear–it's either supposed to be a "how to" guide or a joke book. I point out that those are very different things and am generally ignored.

The "book" as it currently stands is a collection of stories she's collected over the years as a landlord. I think it should be called, "So You Want to be a Slum Lord," but I don't think that title is going to win out. When I ask what she plans on doing with it my dad screams, "She's going to get it published!" She currently has 11 hand written pages of directionless text. My dad then goes off on some tangent telling my mom that she needs a ghost writer because she can't write. They bicker back and forth for the next 30 minutes or so.

I'm Trying to Work Here

I get up Friday morning and try to work remotely using their slow ass DSL connection. The speed is made that much worse by Lisa sucking down all the bandwidth by using Second Life. I finally tell her she needs to get off in order for me to work. I spend the morning on a conference call with the insane people I work with. The meeting was scheduled for 1 1/2 hours and went up going 2 1/2 hours because no one can stay on track. We spend the last 20 minutes listening to the sales guy monologue about trying to put some research item to bed. He goes around the participants trying to elicit an "amen" and winds up with a handful of definite maybes. Very productive.

At noon I end the call and break for lunch. Me, the wife, and my crazy parents load up in the car to go eat. The wife suggests a place to go for lunch and my mom finally lets it slip that we're supposed to meet some relatives for lunch–an hour ago. I don't think they'll still be waiting on us and insist that my mom call them to find out. She calls, gets their voice mail, and then just hangs up. My parents decide they'll just drive to the meeting location, run in, and tell them that I don't want to eat with them. So I say we can just eat with them, though I'm not particularly happy about being duped into eating with more crazy people. I emphasize that we could just call them and let them know we're not coming. My dad flips out and starts screaming, "She did call! Jesus Christ!"

"Yeah, but she didn't leave a voice mail," I say.

My dad responds in his usual calm manner with, "They wouldn't have listened to it anyway! Goddammit! Jesus Christ!" We arrive at the cut rate buffet we're supposed to meet them at. Lisa finally gets fed up with me being related to raving lunatics, says she's walking to the nearest fast food restaurant, and wishes me good luck. At this point my dad calms down and we all convince Lisa to stay and eat with the family. I'm sure she's grateful for that.

We then proceed to eat crappy food while one of my cousins keeps calling me by a different brother's name. "Long time no see, Brian." She then insists that she's met my wife despite the fact that I haven't seen this cousin since I was a child. The whole group, uncle and two cousins, then jibber jabber incessantly until I finally eat my fill and drop numerous hints that I need to get back to work. Here's a bonus pic of the uncle p0wning Super Mario Brothers 3:

Dinner Time

I finish off the work day and find it's time for dinner. My parents like to eat dinner around 5pm or so. While discussing where to go, my parents drop numerous references to the fact that we don't like their new favorite Chinese restaurant. It's good to see they noticed. They decide to go to one of the Chinese places we actually like. Unfortunately, Lisa doesn't like the dinner menu there because it has some of the normal lunch items missing, has some seafood added that she won't eat anyway, and has a jacked up price that my parents complain about all through dinner. My dad then gets obsessed with the missing item issue and begins demanding a detailed list of exactly what items they're missing.

Lisa won't talk to him when he's in the middle of one of his rants so I have to try and explain. The best I can do is, "I don't know, but they do. She's not wild about their seafood and it's no longer worth the price if you're only eating the same stuff (if available) from the lunch menu." 20 minutes later he starts asking again, out of nowhere. I say, "This shit again? Do I really need to answer this again?" Insert awkward silent drive here.

After eating, Lisa needed to stop by the grocery store to pick up some stuff for the dogs. We went to HEB and convinced my parents to stay in the car since it'd be quicker. As we're about to exit the car my mom gives us some HEB gift card she bought from the church and says, "This might have something on it still." It wound up having 99 cents on it and took an extra 5 minutes to use because the cashier was confused by it. But on the plus side, I saved 99 cents. Woot!

Now That's Entertainment

When we get back, I hang out in the living room while my parents watch 1 versus 100 on full volume. While watching they scream answers at the television as if it's some two way communication medium and Bob Sagat will somehow value their input. A couple of times the contestant used a "help" when they didn't know the answer. My parents start screaming at the television berating the person for wasting one of their help options. Ironically, they then continue to scream out what winds up being the wrong answer at the television.

Disney World, Take Me Away

I head to bed, get up early the next morning, and take a white knuckle ride with the parents to the airport. We fly out, land, and spend a nice relaxing week at Walt Disney World. One of the highlights of the trip wound up being the Pirate and Princess Night at the Magic Kingdom. Disney closes the park, charges another ticket price, and has pirate / princess related activities and photo opportunities. A lot of people dress up for the party and we were no exception. Much alcohol was consumed, much fun was had. All of this despite the fact that the parents tried to put their "crazy" stink on the whole thing.

Whenever we travel, the wife and I usually take an Airborne in hopes of fighting off a cold for vacation. Since we've been doing this we haven't been sick on vacation. Now there seems to be a lawsuit in the works against the makers of Airborne. I've heard that their "clinical trials" may not be all scientifically rigorous (to put it gently) and that it may not do much of anything at all. Maybe it's just an overpriced vitamin with potentially dangerous levels of vitamin A. My question is this: if it stops working for me, can I sue the lawyers bringing the class action suit for ruining my perfectly good placebo effect? With everybody suing everybody else I should be able to get some money too.

Turkey Day

I woke up on Thanksgiving day to find that the cooking was underway. My mother was already heating her week old frozen turkey and making way too many mashed potatoes. This last is the result of me once saying that I liked mashed potatoes. Ever since that slip she's been cooking up several quarts of the stuff for me each and every holiday. The rest of the meal consisted of gravy from a mix, corn, a salad, and cranberry sauce in the shape of a can. There weren't any rolls for some reason but I didn't really care. At nearly every meal I'm the last one done somehow. Today I was done in a record five minutes and left the table. After my dad was done eating he went after some of those off-limit pies (you know he's got the diabetes, don't you?), but just little pieces so I don't think they count.

Later, I wandered into the game room to borrow my parents' scanner. I had to make a quick copy of my proof of insurance and decided to use the free time rather than wait until I was back home. The day before I had had to reset my parents' computer wallpaper because they didn't know how. They had accidentally set it to a picture of a horse (rotated 90 degrees) and didn't know how to undo it. I mention this only because someone that had done such a thing should not try to instruct me on how to use the scanner and printer (both of which I set up for them in the first place). But, that's just what my dad started doing. He was very insistent about what I should be using on the computer to accomplish my task. In spite of his help I managed to finish my task and move on.

For some reason my mother later decided she needs bread for turkey sandwiches. Just in case anyone wants one later. I don't, Lisa doesn't, my dad doesn't eat white bread "what with the diabetes and all". I tell her she can go out and try to find some place to buy it if she wants to, but that I don't think it's necessary. She gets in a huff about it for some reason and my dad starts in with "Well, do you want me to go get some goddamn bread or not?" She responds with the ever helpful, "Nevermind! It's fine. Nevermind!" Ah, family.

Much like I did as a teenager, I retreat to my room and close the door. The main difference now is that I have an internet connection and a girl in there. Despite what I would have thought as a teenager I opt to use the internet connection. While catching up on my feeds I hear the omnipresent [cough][COUGH][HORK!!!] from the other room. My dad picked up a cough shortly before we had arrived. He's sure it's not contagious, but I'm somewhat doubtful. Then, I hear quite clearly (because he listens to the television at full volume) the sounds of a television show in Spanish blasting through the walls. I sneak out to find that he's watching a Mexican version of Family Feud. This is made more odd by the fact that he doesn't speak Spanish. He watches roughly ten minutes of it before moving on to something else. I sometimes feel like these people are aliens not so cleverly disguised to look like humans.

To round out the evening, the four of us have an impromptu bullshit session around the kitchen table. We spend the time catching up on family news and I get to hear about how my parents are going to die any day now. Despite that last mandatory discussion of everyone's mortality, it proves to be the most enjoyable part of the trip. There's no television blasting, almost everyone hears everything the first time it's said, and they seem so much like real people.

Epilogue

I wake up the next day eager to hit the road and get back to my own bed and my own internet connection. After she's done showering, Lisa sees my parents eating cereal for breakfast. This means we can hit the road without going to eat first. As I finish my shower I find out that they're still somehow ready to go eat lunch. They're machines! We get tricked into going to some cut rate Chinese-like buffet. The selection is poor and everything is either too sweet or has an extra "bonus" flavor added to it that makes it incredibly unappetizing.

When we get to the table my mother separates some broccoli onto another plate and sits it on the edge of the table. A waiter swoops in and takes it off to the back. "What the fuck was that about," I ask.

"He's going to rinse it off. I can't have any salt." She then sits there not eating. When asked she explains, "I'm waiting for them to bring me more of the shrimp sauce."

"Did you ask for any?" She assures me that they "know." Sure enough her broccoli returns with a cup and a half of some sauce that looks like vanilla pudding. She stirs it into her rice and drenches her shrimp in it. My dad then eagerly takes the rest and spews it on his food as well. He offers some to Lisa and me. We decline and he happily uses the rest of it. Once again, my parents' newfound mysterious love of sauces over food (see the piña colada sauce from the previous entry) is further evidence that they're some sort of alien species. One that subsists on a diet primarily of sauce or sauce-like substances.

We finally make it out of there and have a white knuckle ride home thanks to my dad's crazy driving. I think he's hopped up on the sugar from the pineapple and chocolate pudding concoction he created from the dessert portion of the buffet. Lisa and I hit the ground running, pack, load the car, insist we must do it again some time, and get the hell out of dodge.

I spent Tuesday night tossing and turning because it's so goddamn hot in this house (the AC is broken). Sleeping with the window open isn't an option because it faces a noisy street and has no screen. It's amazing how hot an enclosed 10×10 room can get with two adults and three dogs.

After rolling out of bed at the crack of noon on Wednesday (a bit early for me on my days off) I started training the parents on the Wii. I got them Super Paper Mario because they seem to have enjoyed the whole Mario/Yoshi/Donkey Kong saga. As an aside, I highly recommend the game. It has some very clever level design and utilizes a good combination of 2D and 3D gaming. It also pokes fun at video games in general by tearing down the fourth wall a bit. Trying to teach the parents how to use a new controller and a new game at the same time is not a fun experience. It's not just the button placement, it's also the whole motion sensing with the Wiimote. Apparently when you throw in anything new, they forget everything they've ever learned. "Go left. Your other left. Press the 'A' button. The one with an 'A' on it. This one. That right there. Press it. PRESS IT!!!" I'm also not feeling particularly patient at the time.

We eventually head out to Red Lobster for lunch, a staple in my parents' diet. We get there and they're immediately pissed off because their usual array of waiters aren't working. They go through their usual routine of ordering and cap it off with numerous requests for lots of extra piña colada sauce for their shrimp. About 3 months or so ago they discovered this stuff and it must be like old people crack. They each get a mere 1/3 of a cup of this sauce with their meal. I watch as my mother dips her shrimp in this stuff trying to get as much as physically possible on and around the shrimp. She finally runs out with about half her shrimp left. She gets another one and when she's done with her shrimp she eats the rest with a fork. Yum. They recommend that I try it, but honestly its addictive powers scare me. I'm better off not knowing some things. I suggest next time they should see if they'll just bring them a soup bowl full of the stuff and they can forgo the rest of the meal.

After eating we have to go by Marie Callender's to pick up some pies. Since there's only four of us at Thanksgiving this year three pies should cover it. Traffic is backed up getting into the parking lot. I mention that I don't want a pie for me next year. This somehow baffles my dad who starts ranting, "Let's not get any pies next year then. He doesn't want a pie. I guess I can't have a pie." "Do you even eat any of these pies," I ask. "Me? No, I can't have any. You know I've got the diabetes." Of course, somehow they don't have my mother's pie order anywhere to be found. We wait a few minutes and they make it all right by stealing pies from some other poor bastard's order.

We get back to the house and my parents play with their new toy while I blog about yesterday. Their friend that was supposed to have fixed the air conditioner in the first place shows up and fixes it again. He then hauls ass out of there. I finally realize it's fixed and turn on the AC to find that it's as loud as a motherfucker (which I understand can be quite loud). I tell my parents it seems to still be broken and they decide to take the matter up after the holiday. In the meantime they're hungry again. Let's all go to Bill Miller's! Neither Lisa nor I are hungry, but I decide there's alway room for hash browns. I turn off the AC as we leave because I don't trust things that are so obviously broken to run in my absence without bursting into flames. Let the dogs pant.

We get to Bill Miller's and I just get a pint of hash browns. As I'm at the counter getting some of their BBQ sauce for my hash browns (that's just how I roll) my dad just walks behind the counter and starts grabbing "to go" boxes (he likes to get that out of the way early). As several employees exchange baffled looks with me, I mention that they probably don't want him back there and he just mutters, "I don't care." Later I find two bones that look like chicken ribs in my hash browns. I can only assume some angry employee spit them in there not realizing they didn't belong to that crazy old man that keeps coming behind the counter.

We get back to the house and the air conditioner doesn't work. It won't even come on now. It's a bit of a mixed blessing since the cool front has now come through the area. It's down to 75 in the house and my parents are wishing the central air worked so they could turn on the heat. Unfortunately they won't get the benefit of peripheral oven heat from the turkey cooking because my mother cooked it, carved it, and froze it a week ago to "save time." If you've never had week old previously frozen turkey for Thanksgiving I don't want to spoil the surprise for you, but it really is as good as it sounds.

One more day to go. I think I just might make it out of here alive.

As always, the wife and I headed to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. We missed last year as some of you regular readers may recall. This year we headed down on Tuesday evening. It's always good to get in a few days before the event so I can re-convince myself that I'm really adopted. It also makes it easier to haul ass out of there on either Thursday night or Friday morning.

This year it would just be my parents and me and my wife. The fun began as soon as we arrived. My mother informed me that the air conditioner was broken. They had discovered this on Sunday when they tried to use the heater to take the chill off. If memory serves it was a wintry 80-ish this past Sunday. When they hit the heat it didn't come on. They called some family friend to fix it. Whenever I need some work done, I love relying on friends to do the work for free. I find that I get my money's worth that way. He got it fixed on Monday and they discovered on Tuesday (the first time they tried to turn it on) that it didn't work again. The friend said he'd take a look at it as soon as he could, which meant it was broken on Tuesday night when we arrived.

The part that pisses me off most is that once again my parents felt the need to lie by omission. If they had told us of this fact we could have delayed the trip by a day or so. Another alternative would be for them to come up and see us. The last time I checked it was the same distance either way…

While I'm boggling at the complete lack of consideration about this air conditioning bullshit Lisa takes the dogs outside. While out there with our two chihuahuas and miniature dachshund (small dogs for those of you not in the know) she sees that the renters in the house next door (my parents are slum lords) have three pit bulls chained to various trees in their backyard (large dogs for those of you not in the know). I'm not a fan of any kenneling situation that involves chains and trees–too Sanford and Son for me–but that's a discussion for another time.

When all the dogs see each other it sets off a frenzy of barking and posturing by big dogs that like to eat little dogs and by little dogs that think they're big dogs. As she's trying to restore order Lisa sees that one of the dogs has discovered some delicious cat shit. People who don't own dogs may not be aware that all dogs are hardwired to devour cat shit on sight. They can't help themselves. The cat shit is strewn throughout the yard because my parents have taken to feeding the stray cats in the neighborhood. I've tried to tell them to fight the stereotype of old people and cats but they just won't listen. The added bonus is we both wind up stepping in cat shit, which is no worse than stepping in dog shit unless of course you don't own a cat. Then it just makes you develop an unreasonable hatred of cats–which makes you a lot like dogs with the exception that you (I assume) don't find cat shit tasty.

Moving on. I bought my parents a Wii recently to try and get them back on a Nintendo platform–they're hardcore gamers and I like having a huge supply of $20-$50 gifts to guy them. In preparation I bought myself a new wireless router. It's 802.11n capable even though I don't have an 802.11n adapter. I thought the supposed increase in range would be nice and this gives me a reason to buy a new laptop. I had set up the new router on Monday at my place and packed up my old WAP to take to the parents. They don't have wireless and I thought it would be grand to have the Wii use its built in WiFi adapter. As an added bonus the wife and I wouldn't have to drag 40 foot ethernet umbilicals around the house.

I get the access point up and running complete with a static DHCP lease off of their Freesco box, set up both laptops with the huge shared key, and nearly break arm patting myself on the back. I then turn my attention to the Wii only to discover that the television set my parents have in "the game room" has one coaxial input that already has an SNES and PS2 hooked up to it through a myriad of boxes that no doubt came from that slum of all electronics stores–Radio Shack. I thought all single input coaxial televisions were in the former Soviet Union, but I guess I was wrong. This in combination with the dripping sweat, sweaty sticky hair, sweat, and fucking sweat make me finally snap.

Me: Wow. It sure is pretty hot in here.
Mom: Yes. We may need a fan tonight.
Me: I thought you didn't have any other fans.
Mom: Do you think we should buy one?
Dad: What?
Mom: HE SAYS WE SHOULD BUY A FAN!
Dad: What for?
Me: It's 90 degrees in here.
Dad: Huh?
Mom: HE SAYS IT'S HOT IN HERE!
Dad: Well why don't we go get a fan.
Me: I need another cable for the Wii anyway. I'm going to fucking Walmart.
Mom: WE'RE GOING TO WALMART!
Dad: We are?
Me: No, I'm going to Walmart. Alone.
Mom: WAIT! HE SAID HE'S GOING TO WALMART!
Dad: Let me get my shoes. I'll drive.
Lisa: I'll go.
Me: Whatever. Hurry up.
Dad: What?
Mom: NEVERMIND! THEY'RE GOING TO WALMART!
Me: Stay here and watch the dogs or something.
Mom: WE'RE STAYING TO WATCH THE DOGS!

The wife and I drive angrily over to Walmart. We get there to find it surprisingly crowded for the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving at 11:00 at night. People aren't even buying Thanksgiving supplies. I see people with pillows and baby clothes in their baskets. It all very surreal. I get the electronic component I need and we find the fan department. They don't sell fans because it's winter. I can however buy a space heater. Fuck you, blue vest. I storm over to frozen foods and pick out a few things to eat. There's never any food in my parents' house because they eat out every meal. At checkout we find four registers open each with 10-15 people in line. It's now midnight. The cashier is moving like her job depends on it–her crappy job at Walmart, which is to say she's not in a hurry. To add to the strangeness, everyone pays in cash, typically with a $100 bill in there. Twenty minutes after getting in line we're headed out the door with our own bag of odd items: an RCA to coaxial converter box, a bag of Doritos, and 8 frozen TV dinners.

When we get back I set up the Wii, once again input the 63 character shared key, and begin the system update. Of course it's moving at a snail's pace because Lisa's on motherfucking Second Life (now with voice chat) utterly dominating the meager bandwidth my parents' piece of shit DSL connection has to offer. Over an hour later it completes and the new console is ready to go. Of course, my parents have long since gone to bed.

I decide I'm hungry and whip up a Hungry Man meatloaf and mashed potato TV dinner. My parents' underpowered microwave oven (with no turntable) takes a full 50% longer to get the meal to luke warm status than the instructions recommend. When I finally eat it, it tastes "brown." No real food-like flavor, just a nebulous brown-ness to everything. That's the only way I can describe it. We take the dogs out one last time, get barked at incessantly, both step in cat shit one last time and call it a night.

Man was not meant to live like this. Thus ends day one.

I have digital cable through Time Warner cable, which means I have a Scientific Atlantic box. Last night I was changing channels rapidly up in the HD range and the box just locked up. It sat there for 30 seconds or so then powered off. After 5 seconds it came back on for another 10 seconds or so. Then it powered off. After that I couldn't get it to power on at all. It was bricked. How mysterious! Is rapid changing of HD channels outside of the valid use cases? Is it all just a big coincidence? I may never know.

Our neighbor must have been doing some bathroom remodeling, because two days before "trash day" there was a toilet sitting by the street. My first thought was that I should drop my pants and get a picture of myself sitting on the street-side toilet. Of course, that'd be silly, idiotic, and just plain stupid. And then, I got a couple of drinks in me:

My parents would be so proud.