One Bad Random

I was having a conversation with a co-worker today about creationists. She had seen some discussions on an online forum that was trending toward the anti-intellectual and she was talking about how infuriating it all was. This got me to thinking about whether or not I could legally get away with asking someone's view on evolution during a job interview. I'm sure I would get my ass sued off, but why? It has nothing more to do with religion than asking someone about their views on open source software. What if open source software is against their religion? That's their problem.

Ah, but what does it have to do with his ability to do the job? That's what's important. If I'm hiring a person for a job that requires a certain amount of logical thinking and problem solving, doesn't their complete disbelief in evolution (without being able to logically argue against it) make their qualifications suspect? It doesn't matter if the reason some portion of their logical thinking is deficient just happens to be religion. I'm not discriminating against them on the basis of religion, just their lack of qualifications.

It reminds me of an episode of the Simpson's. This may just mean that I've been spending too much time with Matt lately. In the episode Homer gets the tree house rebuilt by the Amish. They also do the wiring. Homer: Who knows more about electricity than the Amish?

Thanks to subscribing to swalterd's bookmarks I now have my own personalized Stephen Colbert that cares about the same things as me. Life is so good.

Okay, it's not great but I've got to get into the habit of posting again and it's all I've got. I went to lunch with some co-workers today. When we went to pay the only woman in the group paid for one of the guys because she owed him a lunch. Me and the remaining guy said we'd like separate checks. She said that people were still going to think we were a gay couple. The other guy said, "That's alright as long as you don't kiss me here," meaning in the restaurant. So I say (tee hee), "I didn't see where you pointed…"

Yeah, 1) it sucked, 2) you had to be there, and 3) even if you were there you wouldn't have laughed.

In the late 80's / early 90's my brother, our friend, and I shot a bunch of comedy sketches that eventually became a public access show named "The Doppel Gang" which aired in San Antonio. Our friend just recently started putting up videos from the shows on YouTube for your viewing pleasure. He's also blogging about some of the history and behind the scenes factoids. If you get a chance you should check it out. I find it funny of course and maybe some of you will too.

A few days ago I saw a dead baby bird splattered all over the sidewalk where I work. I assumed that it fell from the top of the building. As you can see from this picture that would be quite a fall:

Now on Friday I see a dead frog that is absolutely squirted all over the place. Again, I assume from the signs of high impact that we've got another case of an animal coming off the top of the building.

Now I can figure out how a bird gets on top of the building. It probably fell from the nest. But I find it harder to believe that the frog just happens to make its way up five flights of stairs by accident. No sir, I think it was a suicide…

Update

On Thursday, 9/28/06, I was walking into the office and saw something on the ground. It wound up being a one eyed owl that appeared drunk and unable to fly. It was in the exact same spot as the dead bird and the suicidal frog. Sure there's a reasonable explanation: that spot was likely cursed by gypsies. Walk over it at your own risk.

I got a suspicious looking magazine in the mail on Friday. My wife immediately thought I was getting porn sent to the house. I tried to explain that I get all my porn on the internet these days. Here's what it looked like:

It sure looks like porn. After opening it I discovered this:

Despite the fact that "Party Life" still sounds like porn, it's actually a poker related publication from the fine folks at Party Poker. While it's very nice that they're trying to protect me from the prying eyes of my spouse, neighbors, and government it's certainly sad to think that they feel like that have to. Receiving publications on online poker is now as bad as receiving copies of Shaved Snizz magazine in the mail. And while bald pussies are still legal in all 50 states (though pictures of them may not be) online poker can no longer say the same.

Shortly after Andy's Crazy Cruise Fiasco, Carl was doing his best to make sure he didn't fall behind in the contest to be my craziest brother. As I've detailed before, he's lived off my parents at their house on the coast for the past 20 or so years. Well, he finally met himself a woman. First she was mad that my parents wouldn't let her smoke or have a dog in the house. Her view was that it was somehow her house too since she was living in it. She resented them treating her like a kid.

In the middle of this, my other brother Brian tried to help Carl out with his computer. Brian even travelled 3 or so hours to try and get his internet access in working order. Later, Carl apparently called Brian and asked when he was coming back down. For whatever reason, Brian said he wasn't planning to come visit any time soon. Carl said that'd be fine and that Brian could just send him the money that he would have spent driving down and back. Huh?

Meanwhile, Carl's woman decided that my parents' house at the coast was haunted. Of course this meant that she and Carl had to get their own place. Luckily she's on some sort of disability so she could help pay for things. And for transportation they could use an old motorcycle and sidecar she had. I would easily have paid money to see Carl's helmeted head sticking out of that sidecar but it wasn't meant to be. My parents helped Carl get a truck. I suspect they paid for the whole thing since paying for everything is the usual definition of "help" when Carl is concerned.

Shortly after getting their own love nest they decided to drive to Arizona and pan for topaz. When they got there they just pitched a tent and slept there, discovering soon after that the desert gets cold at night. Carl then began calling with flimsy truck related excuses as to why he needed my parents to send him money. One was that they were driving back to Texas when a rock went through the radiator. Bad luck, that. When they got to Texas they were going to set up their tent and live on the beach. I suspect that the government might frown upon that, but who knows.

Right before Father's day a drunken Carl calls Brian at 3 or 4 in the morning asking what Brian planned to get the old man for the occasion. Brian's wife got on the phone and pointed out to Carl that it was 4 in the goddamn morning–call back during the day, preferably when you're not drunk and then hung up. Carl's woman then called back and spewed some sort of incoherent drunken ramblings. Words were probably exchanged.

Then, for Father's day, Carl sent my dad some box of crap. He then called and said that if he didn't like it, he could send it back. So, my dad sent it back (unopened I think). My additional suspicion is that the 4am call to Brian probably was headed toward: "I got dad a cool present. We should go in on it together. Send me money."

Carl's last known whereabouts is somewhere in the Arizona desert, possibly near a large deposit of topaz. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Before summarizing my parents' recent visit, I need to catch the readers up on the goings on a couple of my siblings. We'll start with Andy.

Andy, my oldest brother met some woman around 3 years ago (we'll call her Fern). I've never met her, but here's the condensed storyline. First my parents tell me that shortly after meeting / dating her, Andy finds out that she's a multi-millionaire. When my wife and I openly laughed at this and called "bullshit", my mother said that they had looked at a $300,000 house and she didn't even blink an eye. Yeah, because that would prove it.

Next, she's not a millionaire but she's pregnant. They then get married in some semi-secret ceremony that Andy's not supposed to talk about with his mother (who finds out anyway). I again call bullshit about the pregnancy. No, no. Andy saw some medical evidence of some mysterious variety that proves she's pregnant. In a bold move, I go on record stating that it's twins and that she will somehow miscarry. While it never turned into twins, she did claim to lose the baby and then refuse to go to the hospital.

Then on some trip back to her home world of Oregon there's some shady stuff about the person she called her uncle actually being her father and something about her maybe still being married to someone else. Supposedly that's where her millions went.

Then suddenly, she's a travel agent and can get people $200 7 night Alaskan cruise during peak Alaskan cruise season. You could also add on a flight from Texas to the Canadian port from which the cruise left for a whopping $99. My parents decide that a deal that's too good to be true must be jumped on right away, so they "book" for themselves and my brother Carl. They then tell my aunt and uncle about it who also book the trip for themselves and some of their family and then go on to tell a bunch of other people who then book trips. My parent even encourage my wife and I to book the trip. I politely point out that they must be fucking crazy. Their proof that she is a travel agent is that she booked a flight for someone. Of course, anyone can do this, but whatever.

My wife calls her aunt (who is a real travel agent) who checks on the trip and says it's complete bullshit. My mom talks to her daughter-in-law who gets very weird and defensive at the idea of someone checking the trip. You see, the trip is real, but she's telling the cruise line that everyone is a travel agent in training. That's why the deal's so good. But, if people go sniffing around this deal of the century could disappear. Well, that's good enough for my mom who says she'll walk around the ship with a clipboard to make it look like she's in training.

A week before this trip of a lifetime, it turns out that Fern lost all the money "gambling on the internet." However, my parents insist (quite loudly) that there was always a trip, it's just that she fucked it up for everyone by spending the money. I think there never was a million dollars, a baby, or a trip and that everyone involved got lucky to only be taken for $300. Consider it a relatively cheap life lesson on how not to be a gullible fuckwit.

Shortly after the "Alaska Debacle," Andy discovers that Fern is bipolar and that that should account for all of her strangeness. He then tries to get her disability benefits and while doing this, she empties out their bank account and "gambles it away on the internet." That damn internet. Andy then borrows somewhere in the neighborhood of $4000 from my parents to avoid losing his sole means of transportation, keep his apartment, and possibly do some recreational gambling on the internet for all I know. More money (the last they insist) that goes into the black hole of Andy that they'll never see again.

Meanwhile, all of the people that didn't get to go on the trip are more than a little pissed. They'd like their money back. The bastards. Supposedly Andy is slowly working on that. No one ever gets their money back out of Andy, so I don't imagine these people will be any different. It should be fun to watch. For me anyway.

Cote' sent me a link to the world's primary information and support network for and about romantic relationships among cousins. They of course missed the opportunity to give people good pickup lines to use at the next family reunion. Unfortunately I don't have any. But here's my current list of pickup lines that have almost no chance of working:

• You must work at KFC, because I could make a meal out of those breasts and thighs.
• The AMA should warn people about you, because later thinking of you is going to cause me to have a "stroke."
• Can I push your stool in?
• Would you like some sauce on your taco?
• Blood on my knife or shit on my dick.
• Let's have sex in the bathroom. And by bathroom I mean your asshole.

Coming out of a restaurant at lunch today, I spotted a gumball machine with Homies Series 8 in it. I decided to splurge $0.50 and start my collection of toys that reinforce racial stereotypes. I excitedly tore open the little plastic ball, dreaming of an afternoon of re-enacting all of the great gang battles I learned about on the history channel when, much to my chagrin, I discovered I got this instead:

That is not a Homie. That's a fucking redneck. Although it sort of fits in my racial stereotype theme, I was nonetheless greatly disappointed. I made some attempt to use him to re-create all my favorite scenes from the Warriors but ultimately failed since he doesn't match any of the gang profiles from the movie. I finally resigned myself to using him as the subject in my Queer Eye for the Redneck Guy: Cubicle Edition.